Are You An Emotional Sponge?

ARE YOU AN EMOTIONAL SPONGE?

Being a good listener is part of maintaining healthy and strong relationships. But what happens when your act of empathy starts taking a toll on your well-being, as you absorb other people’s concerns and negativity? Are you an emotional sponge?

Is your boyfriend or friend sapping positivity out of you? Or perhaps a parent or colleague instead? The thing is feeling a burden of another is not just confined to romantic relationships; it can also be a friend who can’t stop complaining about her life or a colleague who does nothing but bitch all day about the boss.

Soaking it up

Psychologists have a name for this – emotional sponge. Clinical psychologist Dr Amie Ragan describes an emotional sponge as “someone who engages in the act of soaking up what other people throw at you without ever questioning whether or not you need, want or deserve it.” The easy way to look at it? Imagine yourself as a dry sponge soaking and lapping up all the negativity that surrounds you. And like a sponge, who knows how much you can soak and when you will actually stop before you drown in all that negativity?

According to research psychology Dr Elaine Aron, author of the book The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, one out of five individuals are considered highly sensitive and therefore prone to becoming emotional sponges. Which is why it is not easy to dispel compassion and empathy when dealing with someone who’s had a bad day. While you proudly tell your friends how you can spot immediately if your partner is in a good or foul mood, you may want to think a bout the repercussion of this mind-reading ability and what it could do to your emotional and sometimes physical health. When it comes to being the supportive and compassionate individual, your natural intuition and feminine traits of wanting to nurture could very well be a bane.

Complaints after complaints are usually from women who are overwhelmed with emotions simply because they are too empathetic. They feel every bit of the pain when their partner is unhappy. A friend is feeling vulnerable and they can’t help but think how completely hopeless they are on what to do for the friend. Like the emotional sponges that they are, over-empathetic women pick up on the negativity, leading to them taking on the burdens of others onto their own shoulders as well. Says John T. Cacioppo, director of the Centre for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago and co-author of Emotional Contagion, the brain’s “mirror neurons” are to be blamed for this, as these neurons react to other’s actions and intentions, especially when it is someone you care about, hence the contagious emotions.

Too much empathy?

Empathy is a beautiful thing and it is what brings one closer to another, especially in trying times. But the thing to ask is this: how much can you really handle without letting it affect you? Is there such a thing as caring too much? Can being a rock crush you instead? Health experts say yes. “Hyper-empathizing can lead to real problems for it’s sufferers because individuals are rarely taught how to handle their ability to acutely read other people’s feelings,” says Susan Quilliam, relationship psychologist and author of several self-help books. “We notice negative emotion, interpret it, feel with it – and get overcome by it, then we rush round trying to make the other person feel better because until they do, we will continue to feel bad too.” What this does is increase you stress level, bringing you down and making you feel tired, as if you are the one with the problems.

If the tables are reversed on those who over-share their problems, the consequences are bad too. A 2007 study done by the Department of Psychological Sciences at the University of Missouri-Columbia found that when young girls obsessively share their problems with other, they anxiety levels increased.

Researchers said that dwelling on problems “probably made them feel sad and more hopeless” because they turned their focus entirely on the problem. Another study by Washington State University showed that heart bypass patients with neurotic and anxious spouses were more likely to be depressed 18 months after their surgery, regardless of their personality prior to the surgery.

So is the only cure for this emotional mirroring cold hard apathy and staying away from friends who over-share? Will you have to edit your friends who shut out your partner when he needs you the most? There is no denying that being empathetic is human instinct, as psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen will tell you. His research states that the female brain is more sensitive to picking up on the feelings of others, interpreting them and responding to them. But this link with how the brain works doesn’t mean you are stuck with being an emotional sponge. Not especially if you learn the art of empathy management.

“Become aware of when you become overwhelmed with other people’s emotions – and take a step back. If necessary, spend some quiet time alone,” advices Quilliam. “Make a real distinction between noticing that someone is unhappy, and having to do anything about that. Just because you empathize with their unhappiness, it doesn’t mean you must solve it.”

Also, step out of the role of being a rescuer. Women tend to do too much and try too hard, and innately this becomes a problem when dealing with someone who is down all the time. “Show empathy but resist offering solutions. Be supportive but tell your friend or partner, ‘I’m confident you’ll find the right solution’ or sensitively suggest that they seek a qualified professional for help.” says Orloff.

At the end of the day, remember that you have to take care of yourself first. This selfish but essential practice helps when dealing with emotional vampires and will certainly save you hours from brooding over someone else’s problems. And don’t just focus on the bad; why not seek out those who are feeling good all the time? Let another’s optimism rub off on you, and who knows, being an emotional sponge may just pay off after all.